Journal Moved [11 Feb 2005|08:24am] Journal Moved: http://www.emoblog.com/blog.php?user=annie_chan

in pain.... [03 Feb 2005|08:13pm] aiya.. I'm dying ah!!! It still hurts so much. I thought I got used to it. I was so scared for the baby.. omg, can't afford to go through that fright for the 3rd time.. It's all his fault for being clueless and insensitive.. ARGH.. he's such a dumbass! He asked me to go to Korea with him this summer. I didn't have to think about it and I know what I have to say to him. The answer is no, I can't. Having errands to run in the summer is just an excuse. In fact, by then he'll know why he's going to be alone on the plane. I guess a break for him from T.O. is a good thing. Too much drama in the past year. Time to settle everything down. Besides, I don't think I can go ont he plane, when the time comes. What if I can't get back? Hell no, ain't staying in Korea! bleh.. Can't believe is almost a year since we've been together. It seemed like a lifetime. It will be a lifetime memory. I remember this of last year, he was still flirting with me online. This year, I'm carrying his baby. Next year, holding the baby. It just seems morally impossible for us to progress so quickly but we did. He probably didn't expect to go this far either. 10 years from now, I don't know where we'll be but will he still remember me? and remember our yearly reunion on Feb. 14? Probably not.. It's sweet said but it's never done.. That's how it always is. How sad. Realized how fortunate I am right now. Separation from a loved one is horrible alright but separation from a person you lived with your whole life is probably ten times worse than that. You learn to depend on them, especially a parent. I should be grateful for what I'm going through. There's always people in worse situations and better. You're never the extreme, remember!

Another useless day.. [03 Feb 2005|12:48am] Today, didn't study at ALL. Crazy huh? Wonder what people can do all day? Sat around.. sighs.. but that's alright. After being stuck at home for two days, I actually got to go out for fresh air. Christina, Naiya, Seo and I went to this Thai restaurant near by for dinner. It was a blast. Never laughed so much in the past week. All thanks to Christina. Christina's a really chilling girl; outgoing, hilarious, cool, straight forward, friendly. Don't know why Seo doesn't really like her. Maybe cause she's too open? Well, he never likes any of my friends anyway so whatever. Who cares about him. Christina and I had a great time gossiping about Nicholas's recent doings. Boy, is he in big trouble! haha. Some 15 year girl is stalking him, seriously. Being the old Nicholas, he must be scared to death. I say he should just give her a chance, you don't often come across people who like you this much. Being his exes, Christina and I find him an awesome friend yet a bit of a boring boyfriend. Other than Seo, he's my second favourite boyfriend. I can't recall how much I liked him but I certainly regret treating him the way that I did. Used to miss him greatly in class. It just seemed so quiet and boring without his presence. It was just a bad time to start a relationship with him. Nevertheless, he did introduced me to Seo. Considering what I have now, if I can go back in time, I think I would do the same thing, knowing I will end up like this. I've regretted so many things in my high school years - getting together with Nicholas, William but never regretted going out with Seo, although he put me through much more than they did. It just seemed to balance, the more happiness, the more sorrow. Wonder if Nicholas and I would still be going out if Seo didn't appear. I mean, I would rarely break up with someone because I feel I don't like them enough. I only do when something happens. Wonder what is the most painful break up. Would I go through it? or Have I gone through it? Hope this day will never come...

What an useless day.. [01 Feb 2005|10:29pm] Stayed home so I could study today but I did nothing but sat around. On top of that he came and distracted me. Sighs.. he just left too. hmm.. I don't know how to describe our relationship right now. Seems like how it was in November.. where did the time in between go? Does he have an idea that I can actually be pregnant? How was he so sure that I'm not when he told that lie? If I am, should I tell him? Maybe not, that would just drag our relationship. I want his baby not because I wanna keep him. I want to be forever tied to him. It doesn't matter whether he knows or not. I have no plans at the moment. I'm a spontaneous person. Take things as they come. Besides, what is there to worry about, it should be a good thing. =) ---------------------------- 6 pm In her room - the couple is sitting on the bed, facing each other. He's peeling baby oranges for her, while she observes him Her: peel those white stuff off too! (he stares at her) what? Don't wanna do it now? Him: I don't wanna.. but I'm forced to! Her: Hey! (she slaps his arm playfully) You never used to say stuff like that! Him: It's different now.. Her: What's so different? Him: Cause if I piss you off, you would leave me before.. (She looked up at him and took his hand) Her: Hey, I can still leave you now! (he grabs her hand tighter) Him: Never! You're mine! (he tries to pull her close to him) Her: Eh! Watch the orange peels! Him: Oops.. (He finishes peeling the orange and moves the sheet of orange peels to the floor, while holding the peeled orange) Babes, sit back.. (He leaned against the wall and leaned into his arms. He embraced her while ripping the orange into slices) Babes! (he feeds her the orange) Her: Give it to me. I can do it myself.. Him: Want me to feed it to you my way then? Her: (shakes her head) Uh uh.. (she watches him throw a slice of orange in his mouth and she leans back, trying to escape him) Ahh.. I'm not playing! (he quickly grabs her and pins her down flat on the bed as he seals his lips on to hers. Orange juice started leaking from their mouths down her jaw. He felt it and quickly reaches for tissue and wipes it off her face before it gets to the pillow cases. She finally breaks lose and looks up at him, seeing him chew on the orange) eww.. dirty! Him: You're no fun girl! Her: Give me the orange! (He places the orange on her hand as she reaches out for it) That's better.. I'll feed you MY way.. (She puts half the orange slice in her mouth with the other half sticking out. And looks at him seductively) Him: Maybe your way would be better babes.. (She leans towards him as he always leans forward, reaching for her lips, where the orange slice is hanging out. Right before he could touch the orange, she gulps the whole thing in her mouth and laughs as he was teased. Possibly, turned on) Argh! Her: Haha! (He quickly turns her around and embraces her from behind, as he sniffs her hair) Him: You really know how to make a man ask for more.. Her: In what way? (He kisses her cheeks as she turned her face to look at him) Him: Every way.. Her: Are you calling me seductive now? (he shakes his head) You better not! Him: You just like teasing me, don't you? Her: You're fun to tease. Everything turns you on! (laughs) Him: cause every part of you turns me on! Her: Whatever.. (she puts a slice of orange in his mouth) Hun, do you want kids? Him: Right now? (She nods) Well, it would be nice if there's planning. I mean right now, life is still unstable, but I wouldn't mind. You want kids? (she shakes her head) Her: Just wondering. Let's just say, if you saw Mary a year after you guys broke up, and she has a baby, would you think it's yours? Him: No! Her: Why not? Him: We never did anything! Her: Let's say you guys did. Him: We didn't though. Her: Pretend that you guys did and your first time wasn't with me! Would you think the baby is yours? Him: Probably.. Her: Would you ask her? Him: Yeah.. Her: What if she says it's not yours, would you believe her? Him: Depends, if I can tell whether she's lying or not. If you were her, I can so tell! Her: How? I'm a good liar. Him: No, you're not! You're the worse liar ever! It's all in your eyes. Her: I'll wear sunglasses when I'm lying then. (laughs) Him: You're so silly! Why did you ask? Her: Curious of how responsible you are. Him: You don't trust me? Her: Nope.. (giggles) What would you want to name your baby boy? Him: We talked about that already. Her: Who cares, we have nothing else to talk about. Him: I don't know. Steven? (She bursts out laughing) What's so funny? Her: Nothing, it just reminded me of an incident. Him: What happened? Her: Not telling you! I don't like Steven. I like Adrian, I mean the name. Him: I don't like it. Her: You're just bitter! Adrian's a nice name. Don't be bias! How about girl names? Him: Annie.. Her: That's clearly my name. You can't name your kid that! Him: How about Gillian? since you like her so much.. Her: Not a bad idea. I like Christine though. Him: Sounds like Christina. What's up with you and that group? Her: You're over sensitive. Him: Am I? Her: Yup.. Hey how about a Jap name? Chiaki? Yumiki! Him: Sounds like yours.. Her: No it doesn't. Maikiko? Mika? Him: Mika Nakashima?? Her: haha.. How about Ayumi? Him: You're silly. (He hugs her tightly) How do you think our baby would? Her: Hmm.. look like me! (smiles) I'm cuter! Him: Of course you are. Our baby's gonna have your smooth brown hair, your dimple, your eyes, your.. Her: Hey, where do you come in then? Him: I don't know. Nose and mouth, I guess.. (laughs) Her: Your skin! Your skin's so white.. Mine's so nasty.. Him: No it's not.. Her: Baby's have nice skin anyway. It will have nothing to do with you.. haha Him: Our baby is going to be so cute. Her: And chubby.. Him: Aww.. Now I want a baby.. Her: You wish.. Him: Babes, let's make a baby now! (She looks up at him and leans her head on his chest. He secures her tightly again) I'm sorry. It meant to be a joke. I didn't mean to.. (She shakes her head) Her: It's okay. Just can't believe I lost two.. Him: Babes.. you.. (his tone of voice changed) Her: (interrupts) I'm gonna take a nap, okay? Don't let me go.. He nods as she closes her eyes in his embrace..

Thank god.. [31 Jan 2005|11:37pm] The battle is finally over. Been going on for so long and there's at least some solution to it. The evillest one happened to be my boyfriend. ha! The one who we all think is so lost about things is actually not. His plan pulled through to the end and he got the answers that he wanted. Probably found out his parents' true intentions and overthrown them. Things can't be that perfect, of course, there's always consequences to things but I hope my words to his mom did make a difference. I've told her that we won't be together for too long and that she can have her son back very soon. The battle may have ended but the reason for the battle is still there. Can't ignore that. I'm already grateful for an extension. He may take this as a new start but that's okay. The more he doesn't see things coming, the better. I wanna be useful for once. I wanna leave him with what he had before we dated - loving parents, a healthy family, no worries and no stress. What I'm glad is, I didn't have a miscarriage. I wasn't just going baby crazy. I didn't confront him about it yet and not planning to. He lied for a reason. He just doesn't know how girl things work which screwed him over but it's all good now. Our little one is still safe and sound..

Nightmare... [31 Jan 2005|07:57am] I went through so much to take him home last night but he's still back here. What had gone wrong with him? Come to think about it, he wasn't upset over the baby. It was his parents. He started dwelling in his mind after his parents were kicked out of the hospital. So weird! Just that I was too scared to think about it. He probably lied to me about the miscarriage to trick his parents! Since I was already at the hospital, might as well use it. That explains the absents of the after bleeding and the pain from the fall. Of course, this is what I wish for but shouldn't have my hopes too high. Maybe I'm just going baby crazy. It was so heartbreaking having to leave him but all I asked for was to go to those places again and we did. ----------------------------- At Harbour Front - The couple are walking hand in hand along the dock, where they first started. Her: Was it colder last year? Him: I think it's colder this year and it'll be even colder next year. Her: How would you know? Him: Days only get colder and colder without you.. (His hand tighten as he held on to her) Her: Well, of course it's colder this year. There's two more weeks till the 14th. (She smiles at him) Two weeks make a big difference. You can wash your hair in 5 minutes. (He laughs mildly, giving her a weird look) Him: You're silly! (He turned her around to face the lake and secured her in his arms from behind) February 14th, I will meet you here. If we happen to lose each other, come back every February 14, I'll be waiting for you. Her: Perhaps, it was meant to be last life, this life and maybe.. next life? Fate isn't that coincidental. Him: Will you still remember? (She nods) That's a promise! Her: What if you don't see me one year? Him: Then, I'll wait for the next year. I know as long as I'm still around waiting, I will one day find you.. .............................. In front of his building - 2 meters from the main street, she pulls him happily to the front of the apartment. Her: Remember there! (she pointed at the garbage can beside the lamp post) Him: What? Her: Come closer! (She pulls him in front of him and steps back) There! (He didn't turn to face her as he was secured by her voice) We were taking Mandu and Shortie for a walk.. (She takes a step back) Shortie and Mandu were so bad. [giggles as she takes another step back] One was walking super slow and one was too excited. Remember, when I was walking towards that garbage can, and Shortie thought I was leaving her? Remember? I can still picture the scene as if it was just yesterday.. (He falls into reminiscing on the memory. He didn't even notice that she had already backed out to the gates. Of course, with all the slushy noises of the wet road and the cars passing by, he didn't notice her change of voice. Tears fell down her eyes. She took a deep breath and ran to her right as fast as can, hoping that he hasn't noticed her departure yet. She ran a block pass the building and made a sharp turn and hid behind the brush. She peeks out to see him standing outside the gate, calling for her. Tears fell like waterfalls. She takes out her phone and dials) Him: Babes! Where are you? Don't scare me! Her: Hun, this is as far as I can take you. Go back in! Him: Where are you? Her: I left already.. Him: No, you didn't. Come out! Her: Go home! What are you going to do with me? We have no future together! Just go home please! I don't wanna see you down like this! Him: What makes home any better? Her: That's where you belong. We all have places which we belong and that's yours. Him: Listen, can we sit down and talk? I'm not letting you leave me like this. Where are you? Her: You don't need to know. Him: It's dangerous out there! Her: What makes being with you any safer? Him: I know I've done a lot to hurt you. Don't be stubborn! You didn't recover yet! You're gonna walk home? This isn't that time to play brave! Her: How worse can things get? I've already lost our baby. What else is there to lose? Him: You don't care about me anymore? You're leaving me behind now? (Tears ran down his eyes at once) You're just going to leave me here in the cold? (She went silence) Babes, we're still young, we can have another baby later on. Don't be silly. Don't think about it. We will have another one.. Her: We won't... We're not together anymore! This is the second one! We're not meant to have any together! We're over, alright? Go home! Him: No! We're not. Her: You said it clearly in your note. I don't want you to pity me because I went through all that this morning. I don't want a boyfriend back because I lost a baby! All I want is my baby back! Just leave me alone! Go do what you have to do as a son! Him: I'm not letting you go. Her: You can't call the shots this time. Him: Fine, if you can just walk away seeing me freezing to death here, then go! (He takes off his jacket and throws it on the snow) Her: What are you doing? Him: I'm not leaving until you come back. Her: I won't be coming back. I won't be waiting for you so I don't come back for me either. Bye! The line went dead. She turned around and continue walking into down the street.... -------------------------------------------- It was nothing but horror after that. I didn't expect to bump into anybody on the empty streets of mississauga but the ones I bump into had to be a group of 5 disgusting korean guys, who were on the verge of performing group rape on me. They shoved me money, thinking that it was okay to do anything after that. Fortunately, I was fine because he came in time or maybe I would have been pulled into a car or wherever they were referring to. I was horribly scared at that moment. It wasn't a movie where you will definitely be saved. It was real life with nothing to expect. I was lucky I was on the main street and I didn't go too far or I don't think he would have caught up to me either. What he went the other way? Whatever the possibilities are, I don't wanna talk about it anymore, it's over. He drove me home after. I was crying like never before. They were sad tears, they were tears of fear. Well, unexpectedly, he came back later on in the night. I don't know what had happened again with his parents but it definitely wasn't good. He tried so hard to convince him to continue with work and not take a week off as he wanted to. There's no time for breaks in life, can't just sit there forever and dwell on something. Depression takes advantage of people in those states and never let it take over you. You'll regret. What are we now? Are we together? I guess we are, since we're sleeping on the same bed. It'll be wrong if we weren't. =S

Pity... [30 Jan 2005|05:31pm] Woke up this morning and found myself in the hospital. My asthma brought me there but the passout took away my baby. I don't know how that happen. It was shocking, horrifying and unbelievable. Did they make a mistake? How can I have another miscarriage? But this time, having no signs of it. This is weird. I'm not bleeding or anything. How does that work? Maybe I should have asked the doctor but I was in no mood to know any further. When he told me that I lost our baby, I didn't know how to react to it. This was a baby that I expected and planned for. I should have known this friday. I would have been more careful. Why am I so stupid? This is what he left me with and I go and lose it. I don't want my boyfriend back because of this. He's just pitying me. He feels bad. This isn't the worse feeling, the worse feeling is having his parents rub it in. I don't know how this happen but I actually threw up blood. Doctor said it was a positive thing so I guess I shouldn't worry about it. It's also weird that the doctor didn't mention anything about the miscarriage. The more I think about it, the more weird it is. He didn't just make it up right? I don't feel it at all. But if my parents know, it wouldn't be made up. However, my mom didn't mention anything about it. WEIRD! I should be getting grilled at the this. And where's my dad and those herbal soups?? Are they that disappointed? Can someone tell me what's wrong with me? Where's my baby? I want my baby back!

Crying rivers.. [29 Jan 2005|08:23pm] His parents came to Toronto yesterday. Their motive was clear and it isn't a good sign. I expected to spend the night alone but what I didn't expect was him getting into a fight with his parents. I'm not so clear about what it was but definitely I was the main trigger to it. He found out that his parents did a lot of horrible things to me, from the talks to ruining my reputation. They did it all. To him, he's the one causing me all this pain so he decided to let me go. It was hard. When he came, I sensed something uneasy. It just seemed like everything we did would be the last time doing it. The kisses were longer. The hugs were tighter. Still, he showed no sign of initiating anything until he thought I fell asleep. He talked to me as if he had to let things out but also didn't want me to know. He planned on leaving me last night but he didn't cause he couldn't do it. As I thought everything is fine, I kept guards down and left him at home but the next thing you know, I came back and he was gone. All he left was a note on my desktop. A note, in which took me two hours reading because every line drained my tears. ----------------- Annie, If you're looking for me, I've left. I'm sorry. I have to leave you. Last night is going to be a memorable night for me because it's going to be my last night spent with you. I don't know how I'm going to do this but I have to or the one in pain would be you. For the past half of the year, my parents have given you a lot of trouble. You don't deserve to go through all this for me. I've been putting you through so much this year. You're too young to go through all this pain. I can't say I won't regret what I'm doing now because these words are already coming out unwillingly. I can't imagine living a day without you but I have to learn to very soon. I'm sorry for putting you through this for I don't know how many times already but if it's not like this, I'm sure you're going to be the one doing something about it, which gives you more pain. I apologize for not talking to you about this, I've tried but whenever I look into your eyes, I don't want to let you go. It's so hard having to hurt you and acknowledging the pain you would go through. Maybe there is no other solution. You're the only girl who I've truly love and will love to the fullest. As I told you before, loving someone is a lifetime promise. At the very first moment when I told you that I love you, I've never planned on breaking this promise. I really do love you. In you, I found love, care, companion, trust, happiness, lust and my future. Even though, there were so many barriers between us, I've never thought I would ever have to live without you being around. And when this moment came, it scared me. I will not be used to not being able to call someone at 3 in the morning when I can't sleep. I will not be used to not having someone there to tell me not to drink and smoke that much. I will not be used to not having someone clean after my messy habits. I will not be used to not having the only person who I can cry in front of, around when I need to let things out the soft way. I will not be used to not having shout at me when I'm speeding on the road and saving me from speeding tickets. Most importantly, I will never be used to sleeping alone again after the very first time having you sleep beside me. I've never felt so comfortable with someone before but I found comfort in you. I can't describe how miserable my life is going to be without you. No one would understand how much you mean to me. No one would understand how it feels to live without someone you thought will never leave your life. And no one would understand how much we went through to build all this. But it's all not important now. I want you to know that I've never played around with you. I've never thought of once using you for anything. The rumours are all myths. From the first moment, I decided to ask you out, I was really interested in you. Soon, I started to like you so I asked you to be my girlfriend. And it wasn't long until I realized that I love you. This all came so fast and unexpectedly but they weren't impulses. They were clearly thought through. It didn't take me long to realize that you're the one who I want to spend my life with because you're the best girl a guy can ever ask for. The support and the things you do behind every good time shows. You're the cutest and sweetest girl I've ever met and will ever meet. When we got married at church, I really meant it. I don't know if you have noticed that every word I said came from my heart and were promises to you. You don't know how much I want to keep these promises and make them come true and this is what I would regret for the rest of my life. I've realized that nights aren't that long. I didn't want last night to end and I didn't want to wake up this morning, knowing that it would be my last time on that bed. We shared many moments on that bed over the past year; there were happy and there were sad. But even the saddest moment spent with you would become a happy thought. In fact, on both our beds had stories behind them. You guided me through many rough times this year. Without you, I don't know where I would be right now. I've once said, I need no happiness without you because I can't imagine breaking a true smile without you around. You brought this into my life and you're the only one I can share it with. I'm sorry if I can't be happy for you because there is no happiness without you. Maybe you can find your happiness elsewhere but please don't let me know. It'll be worse than taking my life. I'll always be around as I promised. You're always my girl. I hope this is not good-bye forever. If fate allows it, I will come back for you but for now, take care of yourself, clumsy girl. Love you always, your boy --------------------------------- Jerk! You lied to me! AGAIN! over and over again! Said you will always be around, and that you will never leave me. How long was it ago? only a few days! And you forgot! Tell me why you have to let me down like this! Your love is no where to be found! You're putting me in more pain than having your parents hurt me! I can pull through anything for you and with you but I can't do this alone. I can't live mentally and emotionally without you. Come back...

Morning thoughts.. [28 Jan 2005|08:12am] Couldln't sleep yesterday. Went to bed at two and woke up at six. Sighs. Even though, we were talking on the phone last night, it's a different security sleeping beside him. Don't think I'll ever get used to sleeping alone again. I have rashes again! They're circling my under neck. Argh! How did I get them??? I hate this. It's so noticeable too!.. sighs... hmm.. Thank god it's friday. What should we do today? I wanna go over to his place, it's more quiet there. Don't like how my mom is always monitoring us. Aww.. exams next week! I hate school!

Another day off.. [27 Jan 2005|11:59pm] Today was pretty useless. I finally wanted to go get glasses but stupid Donald closed down his place for renovation! ARGH!! It just had to be this day! Well, well.. it was all that bad, cause I went to visit my Hun Hun.. He was so useless!! haha *Sorry hun, just had to say that, you really weren't doing anything!* I'm such a useless girlfriend. I wait for the guy to come and I didn't even make him dinner. LOL. He didn't want me to cook so we ordered pizza. But if I really wanted to cook for him, I would have. How lazy.. sighs. It was so fun eating with him, except the fact that my room smelled like pizza for a few hours. He's so jokes though. I was basically eating a handicap meal. Since I was eating like a dumbass! He volunteerly cut up everything for me and even took the bones out of the chicken wings. Where would I find another guy who would do this for me? Not possible.. I'm a little worried though. Wondering if he read these entries. If he did, why didn't he say anything. Hun, tell me if you're reading this. It's personal and you're the last one who should be here! Get out! LOL

I'm so childish... [26 Jan 2005|11:37pm] I feel horribly guilty to act so childish over nothing. I tortured myself to have him worried. I've never considered if his physical fitness can take this challenge. He hadn't had a good rest, from babysitting me for the past two nights. He knew that I won't eat without him so he rushed home, cooked (because he doesn't want me to eat takeout,) and rushed to my house to bring me the dinner. How sad is that? After two sleepless nights, a long day of work and cooking on top of that? What am I doing to him? I'm torturing not only myself, but him too. I'm looking at him not knowing what to say but I'm sorry right now. I didn't mean to go so far. I'm so selfish and childish. How much more can I ask for from him? He has done a lot already. Shouldn't have to hurt him any further. Screw his parents! We'll take things as they come. Forget about the date next month! It's all over!! This should be a relief..

illness of the heart.... no more countdowns [26 Jan 2005|02:24pm] I have no physical illness, just a disease that lies in my heart. There's no cure. There's only a treatment and that's him. I don't know why but in mind, I always have this idea that he doesn't love me anymore and that he doesn't care about me anymore. That's not the case though. Why am I torturing myself? I don't even know what's happening to me. Why am I so depressed all of a sudden? Did the passout take away my soul? I can't believe I'll be one of those stupid girls who can't take a breakup but I guess I'm more insane, I'm depressed over no breakup. I don't know how to tell what had happened to me. All day yesterday, I was in bed until he came after work. I didn't do anything but take showers. Didn't even go downstairs for water. I don't know how to explain anything further... so I'll leave it to a fanfic format. ------------------------ January 25, 2005 - about 6 pm In her room, an average size room with a twin size bed, tv stand, two book shelves, a corner desk and everything that a girl would have in her room - she sits on her bed with emotionless expressions. Her face is awfully pale from the lack of energy, perhaps even lack of daily sunlight nutrient. The dark shadow circled her eyes as if she hadn't slept in a while. It was as if she was planning on letting herself rot on her bed, until her saviour comes by. The time elaspsed, her bedroom door swings open, allowing the light to shine into the room. Her face turned slightly to avoid the light, footsteps entered the room and the door closed behind him. He walks towards her. Her face is still turned away from him. His face showed loads of worries as he seats himself beside her. Him: Babes? (No answer came from her. He quickly pulls her into his arms and hugs her tightly as her head rested on his chest. He kisses her hair) It's okay. I'm here.. Babes... (Not a word, nor a movement came from her. Her facial expression hasn't changed much. Just that she had comfortably leaned into his embrace. His warmth secured her many concerns) ..They remain in that position for about 10 minutes. During this time, he would continue throwing questions at her and she would nod or shake her head as answers. Finally, she felt that she had to withdraw herself. She broke away from him leaving him staring at her in confusion.... Him: What's wrong? (She pouts gently and grabs him by both arms. He became even more confused by her actions. She uses all her strength and makes him move closer to the wall. Her hands let lose from her as she went to grab a pillow. She situated the pillow on the wall and pushed his back against it. He is now in a stiff position, against the pillow. She then leans her head on his chest and pulls his arms around her as she smiles. He finally got her intentions and was relaxed. He chuckles out loud as he secures her in his arms.) You scared me! Her: Don't ever leave me.. Him: Why would I? I should say that to you. Don't worry, everything's okay now. (He rubs up and down her arm with his hands as he sniffs her hair) What happened? I thought you were fine this morning. Her: (sadly) I thought you weren't gonna come back... (A tear shed down her eyes. He quickly cuts it off from rolling down with his thumb as his hand forms a bowl on the side of her face) Him: I will never leave you. I promise! Her: Lie! If I didn't scare you wouldn't have stayed. Him: No, then what's the point of me coming then? Babes, don't think too much. Her: Hun, I wanna hug you.. (He nods and pulls her up. He turns his back on her. She quickly throws her arms around him from behind and leans herself on his back. Tears started rushing down her eyes like waterfalls, wetting his dress shirt. He stayed silent as she cries. She then realizes that her breasts are pressing against his back, which reminded her of an incident...) ////////////////------Flash backs At a local gas station - She drives into the place from the south west entrance. As she scans the station to find a unoccupied pump, she sees her boyfriend filling up his car at a pump and notices that there's no one on the other side of the same machine. She quickly pulls over on the other side. She got out of her car and hides behind the pole. His back has been facing her the whole time. She then sneaks up behind him and cover his eyes. She had to be on tippy toes as he was taller than her. Her front is pressing against his back but she was too oblivious to notice. Him: Babes, your hands are cold.. Her: Awww.. (She lets go of him and he turns around) How did you know it was me? Him: Promise me not to do this to another guy ever! Her: You didn't anwser my question.. Him: Promise me! Her: Fine.. now tell me! Him: I'll tell you later (He smirks and kisses her) I'll come over later.. (she nods) Later on in the night.. In her room - the couple are sitting on the bed facing each other. Her: Tell me how did you know it was me. You saw me didn't you? (he shakes his head) The reflection of the car! Him: Nope.. I'll show you. Turn around (She turns herself and he wraps his arms around her waist as he leans his chin on her shoulders) What do you feel? Her: A perv! (she slaps his hand playfully) I don't feel anything! Him: Of course you don't feel anything! (laughs) You should be scared if you felt something. Here, hug me! (He turns himself around and wraps her arms his waist) Lean on me, what do you feel? Her: Nothing. You're just trying to get me to hug you, aren't you? Him: Awww.. Babes, how can you think of me like that? (chuckles) Her: Perv! Let go of my hands! Him: Who's the perv looking one now? Who's hugging who? (laughs) Her: You're grabbing my hands! (She pouts) Him: Okay fine.. I'll let you go.. Her: Tell me first! Him: I already did, you just didn't get it! Her: Argh! Make it simpler! I'm dumb! Him: Okay, don't call me a perv tho! (He turns around facing her and he grabs a pillow and hugs it. She bursts out laughing) Her: You're perving the pillow?? Him: Want me to perv you instead? (He throws the pillow and quickly pulls her into his arms as she screams. He hugs her tightly and she settles down as she hugs him back.) Babes, what part of your body is pressing against my chest?.. (She thinks for a second and looks down at her cleavage) Her: Perv! Him: Hey! I'm just telling you cause that's what I feel when you were covering my eyes.. Her: How did you know it was me? It could be any girl.. Him: I only know how yours feel like! Her: yeah right... /////////////////// ------ End of Flash backs Her tears stop running upon the thought. He starts humming out of no where, making her giggle. Her: Why are you humming? Him: So you can fall asleep on my back.. Her: That'll give you back pain, stupid! (He rubs her hands as he shrugs) Him: Does your bruise still hurt? (he felt her head shake on his back as he starts playing with her hands) Babes, give me a massage. My neck hurts.. Her: Okay.. (She sits up and massages his neck with both hands. (His voice started groaning) Hun! sshh.. You sound like you're in bed.. Him: We are in bed.. (he starts unbutton his shirt without her knowing) Her: Not this kind! People are going to think that we're doing stuff.. Him: We could be.. Her: Hey! (She slaps his shoulders and continues massaging his stiff shoulder muscles. She felt his shirt loosen as she was able to pull it back) Him: Babes, you're so bad.. you're stripping me! Her: No, I'm not. How did your shirt get loosen! You unbuttoned it, didn't you? You loser! (She wraps her arms around him and reaches over to button up his shirt) Him: Hey stop perving me! (He grabs her hand and places it on his abdominal) Her: What are you doing with my hand? Him: What are you doing with your hand is the question.. Her: Don't move it any lower.. Him: You want to go lower? Okay.. (He forces her hand lower as he can feel it tightening up from her refusion) Fine, I'll touch you then.. Her: No! (laughs) He quickly turns around and throws her back on the bed. He leans over her and smiles. She smiled in return to his advances...

Dead... [25 Jan 2005|10:06am] Thought I was dreaming when I woke up in his arms last night. After all the pain, he really came back for me. Can't believe I fainted for an hour without anyone knowing. I could have gotten the house burnt down with the lit candles on the floor. Luckily, didn't knock down any of them. I hate having asthma. Argh.. He asked me if I was serious about the breakup, I just had to say I didn't know what I was thinking. It's true. I don't even know why I said that. Did I really wanted a breakup? No.. I just can't walk off like this. We were fine in the evening. Why the sudden breakup? Things are definitely not the same now. We're both scared that after this test breakup, the real one is coming very soon. We spent the night sitting with our eyes wide open with occasional tears but things should be fine right now. I'm still blank minded without a soul. On top of that, my body's aching from yesterday's workout. Argh.. Should I just skip the presentation today? Can there be an alternate solution? I thought I could pull through this fine. I've done it before. Why is it different this time? Can't believe in a spark of a second, right after the phone call, I went completely dead. There's no cure. There's no solution but him... The summer had past, didn't realize how much I've changed since then. My reaction before was far more considerable, compared to today. What would I ever do without him.. Maybe I do rather die... Car accidents happen everyday.. what difference would mine make?

Attempt Breakup... [24 Jan 2005|11:14pm] Thought I can write about some happy stuff which happened three hours ago tonight but now, the memories are no where to be found. What am I doing? I'm such a retard. Knowing that this breakup thing is not going to work, why did I still call it? He was already suspicious. Now, he's sure. People might say, what's the difference breaking up now and in a few weeks. I know what they think, we're not going to end up together anyway, soon or later won't make the difference. To me it does. I'd want to spend the longest time with him possible. The suffering from what his parents have given me isn't anything compared to living a minute without him. God should have never given me the chance to be with him, should have know that we wont' end up together. Why be so cruel? How I wish I can take back those words. I'm sitting on the floor right now, feeling totally lost and my mind is filled with nothing but him. I think I'm crying too much. I can feel my asthma coming back, struggling to breathe. Sometimes, I wish I can just die. I hate this. I hate what life is giving me. Looking at the candles in front of me, it reminds me how we would always sit in his living room with lit candles everywhere. I guess it's different right now because I'm the only one here. The burn on my finger will eventually heal but our pain will never heal.. I miss you already boy! Will you come back for me? I'm sorry! *tears*

Really Personal Thoughts.... one month minus 9 days [23 Jan 2005|10:20pm] The weekend went by so quickly. He stayed over for two nights after the awful friday night start of the weekend. It was great as usual. It has always been great spending time with him and having him involved in my daily rundowns. Last night was peaceful and smoothing. I really enjoyed having the candle-lit pillow talks. Although, they always turn out to be not just "talks" but something more, which is probably the reason why I feel so weird now. Been throwing up all day, but I guess I know why this happens. It's a protection thing? When he uses it, it doesn't happen. It only happens when he doesn't use it sometimes. Oh god, sometimes, I just hate the aftermath feeling of it. It doesn't feel too great having foreign fluid in you. It feels dirty. Showered two times, and I can still feel it. Sighs. Things, girls have to go through. Anyway, why am I writing about this? Kinda too personal but oh well, you people reading this right now should be ashame of yourself! NOSY! TSK TSK TSK!! haha.. Oh yeah, I gotta mark this down or I'll forget. Friday, he actually counted the number of thingy in the box in my drawer! JOKES! copying me!!! He was sitting there, imitating me. LOL. He's so cute. I actually don't keep track of them since we don't seem to remember that we have some in my room. He's such a dumbass!! Like I'm going to be bringing a different guy home? Whatever.. Anyway, enough of that. The calls still hasn't stopped but it's been a lot better than the first night. This isn't all that bad because I found a way to break up with him without anyone's aid. That is to play the role of my reputation. He always asks me where I get my money anyway. Sugar daddies would be the answer this time.. Wonder how he would react to it.. A slap across the face? Yells? Whatever it is, I have to stand strong and not shed a tear..

Jay's so called party.. my prostitution spotlight... one month minus 8 days [22 Jan 2005|05:50pm] Never felt so insulted in my life. Walked into the lounge last night and have all eyes stare at me as if I'm up for sale. Have you ever had someone come up to you and ask you 'how much', which they really mean it? It sounds far more horrible than hearing whore comments from friends in a joking way. Not only seen as a whore, I got myself a prostitute reputation. Never had my voicemail box jammed before, and the messages were either from disgusting guys or stupid bitches! Some are obviously pranks but a few of them were not. My number is now out there as a hooker hotline basically. Argh! It's so insulting but it's funny in a way. Look at me! Do I look like a hooker? Do hookers look like this?? These horny bastards! Don't let me find out which bitch did this! They're gonna so pay! Besides from this frustration, I feel horribly guilty. I don't understand how a person can make such a big sacrifice for me, without knowing who I am either. I feel so bad when I just had to reject him last night. The guys got into a fight because Adrian decided to continue the plan, whether he really wanted to kiss me or not, he got himself into a bit of a mess with Seo. At the instant that Seo pushed Adrian, my heart made a sharp turn away from him. Even though, he pulled me back my vision and concern was no longer with him. Adrian not only did not fight back, he even pulled Seung back from entering the conflict. The stares from his friends were so deadly. If it wasn't for Adrian, I don't think anyone would be able to walk out of the lounge without a fight scene happening. I could see the sincerity in Adrian's eyes when he said "Annie, tell him! Tell him, you don't like him anymore. You're my girl now! Tell him!"; I felt it but all I could say is "I'm sorry, I can't say that". If I actually took his side at the moment, I know Seo and I would be done but we wouldn't be let off the hook that easily. Seo's anger was already warmed up by the stupid guys. It was for his safety that I didn't choose to let him play the role of stealing someone's girlfriend. He's just overall very "sor". Seo wants me to move in with him now. Does he really see our breakup coming that soon? He actually feels threaten by Adrian. I know he was just as afraid of losing me, as I am of losing him at the moment when Adrian asked me to choose. My senses started to come back when I felt his hand tightly grabbing on to my hand. How would I ever forget the moment that left me a bruise, unintentionally. Anyway, the answer to his wish is a no. Once I step foot into his flat, it would hard as hell to leave and I guess, that's what he wants to do. Keep me hanging on longer before the breakup strikes us. It's already the end of January. Sighs..

Wrong? Selfish?... One month minus 6 days.. [20 Jan 2005|08:17pm] Have you ever gotten a feeling of wrongness? I mean, from the start you set your mind on something, thought of it as the least selfish solution, and just overall feeling right about it; then people come and throws slaps in your face, saying you're WRONG, SELFISH, STUPID and INCONSIDERATE! There's nothing worse than feeling that you're wrong, it brings you into a lost world, takes you off your feet and throws you into confusion. Was I really wrong? Am I really selfish? Unexpectedly, Mary called me today. She had faith in me but I showed her my cold side. She yelled at me. Her words are still ringing in my head. "How can you do this to him? He loves you so much! How can you just go with another guy? I actually thought you were one of a kind, not like every other girl but you're really what they say! First Nicholas! Now Seo! How many guys are going to fall for it till you start being faithful? When I talked to you the other day, I never thought you were like this. You're the one who showed me you're not every other girl. You made me let my hands go! Where are you now? Where's that Annie I talked to last week? You totally disappointed me. Why did I even waste time on defending you in front of those people?" The line went dead afterwards. Even harsher words were said later on in the day. I expected these to come like waves and there's going to be more after the breakup. My friends - how would I ever face them? I don't mind those people calling me a whore but my friends.. I can't imagine how I would react when they throw those words at me. But it'll be worth it. Just for him. I can lose everything for him. I'm dead serious. I just realized there's a lot of harsh feelings within. The feeling of a friend telling you that you should be facing your problem by yourself isn't something good to hear. I've always thought I was on my own, but life doesn't work like that. To make a play work, there has to be supporting characters. While people are supporting your story, you're also supporting someone else's act. Life requires people to use one another to make things go on. People just don't understand. There is another reason behind this. Now, I'm sure the only person who truly understands what I'm going through is myself. No one can compare. You can witness, you can listen, you can comprehend, you can get it but you can't FEEL it!! Every crack within my heart is personal to myself. Every tear shed within supports my story. Every shiver signifies my fear. Every thought leaves trails for the unknown future mystery. I've already decided to sacrifice myself and this is what I feel that is the right way to go. Pursing it, I've never felt wrong, regardless of what's going to happen to me. Knowing, that it'll help him in the long-run, is all that matters. I know he wouldn't want me to do this but I'm not going to give up. Adrian fits right into my shoes. He's willing to do this for me, regardless of the consequences. He truly doesn't want anything in return - no love, no relationship, no sympathy, no second look but what he wants is to make the situation easier for me. Never would have thought Adrian would act like this. It scares me. I have nothing to return to him. Maybe this what people call 受之有愧. I really don't want to drag him in this but it's his wish to do so. Should I grant his wish? or Leave him feeling useless, cause that's what I would feel. Seo would never let me do this for him but it's still going to be done. One day, people would realize my suffering at the moment is all worth it. I can see it. ------ Throwing me off the edge today was his parents. They've finally pull their last evil cards. My family is involved now which makes my stake of leaving him stronger. My reaction is not like predicted. Still, I have to consider him before going on with evil comebacks. From the start, I was ready to lose this game. I'm still going with the original date. They're not making me leave him any earlier. That's too cruel. Whether or not, Adrian would be involved is still a concern. My heart ached ever since Tuesday night, it never stopped. Sleeping beside him makes me not want to lose him. Without his company, the only thing that's left to put me to sleep are tears, which I can feel running down my eyes right now. I'm going to miss his warmth, breathing, humming, hugs, kisses and tender love. Tears are coming down like waterfalls again. The day it runs dry is the day, I'll be bured six feet under...

Step One of the Plan.. one month minus 5 days left [19 Jan 2005|05:00pm] I actually took the step of pursuing the plan yesterday. Adrian asked me out and what his motive was. Helping me was just an excuse but what can I do? To make this plan work, I need him. We went to the lounge as if we were dealing. It was pool night yesterday so it was crowded with familiar faces. Eyes landed on us as soon as we walked in. Guys looked at me as I was dirty used trash. Girls looked at me as if I was a whore which their bf did. I'm none of that. I know for a fact, I'm far more valuable that what they accused me of but that's my rep there. Groups started mumbling to each other while Adrian and I were in the darts room alone. Through the glass I can see their fearful eyes glaring at me. I'm sure if I was beside a big looking guy, I would return home with palm marks on my face. After yesterday, I would be seen as the whore around. Not that I wasn't already seen as one. After the whole N and S's fight, every girl hated me, including Christina and Naiya. This is only the first step into the plan, it's not over yet. There's more to face after this. As expected, he didn't want to believe in what those people told him about the night. He said he trusts me but I know deep down inside, the trust is just denial. But how much can one person deny after seeing repetitive situations? He won't be able to stand it and that's what we're aiming for. I didn't give myself to him last night because of guilt. I didn't feel guilty at all because I didn't cheat. What I want is that when this "play" clears up for him, he'll look back upon last night as something I did out of guilt and will eventually make this show work. The feeling was that we're one step closer into breaking up. I'll miss him. I know how much it would hurt when everything ends because it's going to be the start of a new life. How I wish this is part is only a nightmare and someone would wake me up, telling me everything is fine.. What I did not realize within this plan is losing more than just a boyfriend, I'm losing my friends. Friends don't see my perspective and I don't blame them but I want them to know, the road I chose to walk isn't easy. I'm not taking the easy way out. It takes a lot to do this and I want to be able to live with myself, knowing that I've made the right choice. I'm not insane so I don't need people telling me that I'm crazy. I don't need anyone's support so I ask for no pressure. I don't need friends yelling at me because they think I'm being selfish by not giving him a choice. He did get to choose but he put himself in between two roads. Life does not work like that. You can only walk on one road at one time. My love for him goes beyond surface vision and I'm sure he'll understand one day, that this is the best for him. I need no happiness without him either because since the day I've made this decision, all my blessing went to him. A quote which he stated in Korean on 01.16.05 at the church.. "Lord, even though I have nothing to offer her right now. I'll give her all my best. Please be the witness of our marriage and bless us with nothing but the greatest of happiness. I see you soon taking her away from me, please not let that happen. If that shall happen, then bless her with all the happiness and leave me none; since I won't need it without her. Hear our prayers!..." These words through Christina brought me in tears and is also what is leaving me with a bit of regrets right now. Should the plan continue? He's ignoring it now, but when more clues come, it wouldn't be held in any longer...

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